Reflections of a Dangerous Mind
by Red Ace
Summary: Androgynous LS Revan. Revan's thoughts on things after the Star Forge featuring excerpts from the song Have You Ever.


**Disclaimer: None of this is mine. The song **_Have You Ever_ **is owned by The Offspring and Underachiever Music. Star Wars is owned by Lucas and Bioware.**

_**A/N: **_Normally, I don't like the angst genre. It seemed repetitive after a while, different story but same theme. I never thought I would ever write anything that would remotely qualify as angst, but here it is. I don't know why I wrote it, but it just clicked and I couldn't get rid of it. Originally, I was going to have pieces of this song sung by Revan in _Errants_ to Bastila, I still might. Not romantically, just to annoy her. But then I noticed how well this song went with Revan, especially after the Star Forge. So I wrote this. I normally do humor, so this is out of my comfort range. Please review and tell me what you think. I hope you like.

_**Reflections of a Dangerous Mind**_

_Falling, I'm falling!_

_Falling, I'm falling!_

I know that I'm no different from any other Jedi. I'm as susceptible to falling as they are, maybe even more so now. I am Revan, the Prodigal Knight. Hero and Savior of the Republic, but I was also its Conqueror and Villain. I fell once and I fell hard. But the Jedi Council redeemed me. True, they had to erase my memories in order to do so, but that doesn't matter. I defeated Malak and the Star Forge. I saved the Republic, but that doesn't matter either. My mind is healing more each night. And as my mind heals, my memories resurface. The feelings of the power, the darkness I once held keep getting stronger, more tempting, the more I remember. But I hold them off. I'm stronger than that. I've redeemed to the Light once more, but the truth is I will always be in danger of falling again.

_Have you ever walked through a room  
But it was more like the room passed around you  
Like there was a leash around your neck that pulled you through  
Have you ever been at someplace  
Recognizing everybody's face  
Until you realized that there was no one there you knew  
_

It's over now. Malak, the Star Forge, our mission. All ended. Now we attend banquets instead of battles. We eat gourmet foods instead of what came out of the synthesizer. We are surrounded by people instead of each other, the crew of the Ebon Hawk. They are all so happy, even HK47 is enthusiastically giving the guards pointers on how to effectively take out any meat bag interlopers. But I have never felt more alone. With each party, gala, ball, or banquet we attend, there is someone else testing to see if I really suffered from memory loss. There is always someone. But I never remember them. They were from the Mandalorian Wars; I can't remember that far back yet. But I will take those people over the ones that spit at me, the ones who tell me I must atone for crimes I can't even remember if I committed or if it was Malak. They tell me I should kill myself if I had any compassion left.

_Well I know  
Some days, my soul's confined and out of mind  
Sleep forever  
Some days, I'm so outshined and out of time  
Have you ever  
_

I think about suicide too. But I'd never do it. I can't do it. I'm still to numb. I feel too imprisoned by my past, or rather lack there of. Sometimes I just want to crawl inside of myself just to get to the truth. But the truth is I can't, I won't let myself out of the fear I'll never come back and the Sith Lord I once was will take over my body.

_Falling, I'm falling! _

_Falling, I'm falling!_

I never remind myself that I was the Sith Lord first, the life I have now is a lie. My redemption is based on a lie.

_Have you ever buried your face in your hands  
Cause no one around you understands  
Or has the slightest idea what it is that makes you be  
Have you ever felt like there was more  
Like someone else was keeping score  
And what could make you whole was simply out of reach_

Yet I wonder: Am I really a lie? I thought all my actions were my own. I did good because it was my first instinct. I helped because it was right, because I would want help. I went out of my way to help. I went out of my way to find Mission's brother. Well, not really, he was on the way to the Star Map, but I would have anyway. I helped the Wookies free themselves of Czeka. True, I had to overthrow their leader to do it, but in the end the rightful chieftain was in charge again. I made sure that Sunry went to jail for murder! I sent back Selkath-Republic relations by doing this, but I did the same for the Sith, maybe even stopped theirs completely. They were the right things to do, even if they had negative consequences. Right?_  
_

_Well I know  
Someday I'll try again and not pretend  
This time forever  
Someday I'll get it straight but not today  
Have you ever_

I'll have to mull over that another day. I know I'll find the answer one day, maybe the day I recover all of my memories. By then I should know who I truly am. But maybe the reason that I can't understand is that I've fallen in love. I don't think my old self would allow me to love, something about the Sith constantly switching ranks, exploiting weaknesses, always seeking to empower themselves. But I wonder: how can you love me? You know who I was, what I might become again.

_When the truth walks away  
Everybody stays  
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay_

Will you follow me down that path? I'd hate myself if I changed you. But then I think we could rule together. You and I would never have to part. The galaxy would tremble at our names. Together we would be unstoppable. But would you want that? Would you do that for us? I don't even know if I want that, but it sounds tempting.

_So if you walk away  
Who is gonna stay  
Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place_

But can you walk away from me? I'd like to think that, but it hurts more. The fact that you could cast me aside with out a Second thought, what reinsurance of our future does it give me? I fear if you can do that, what chance do I have of fighting the darkness within me?

_When the truth walks away  
Everybody stays  
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay_

The truth is the more I remember, the harder it is to fight. To think, we would never have to fight for anything; we could have everything. The finer things would never be out of our reach. We would own the galaxy. We could own everything! You have no right to deny us this! You want it too; I can see it in your eyes! The galaxy is ours to own! Would you give it all up, give me up, for your righteous sense of morality?

_So if you walk away  
Who is gonna stay  
Cause I'd like to make the world be a better place_

The truth is you make me want to do better. As much as I would love to think I do good because it was right; I can't. You make me want to do good. I wanted to be a shining beacon of light to you. I wanted you to see me as I see you. Perfect. Capable of no wrong.

The truth isI want to do good. I can't; I'm too selfish, imperfect. But with you I can do anything. I'm whole. Stay with me and help me fix what I started. But do you want to?

_When the truth walks away  
Everybody stays  
Cause the truth about the world is that crime does pay_

This is the truth, I fell. There is no denying that. I sought to rule the galaxy. To crush the Republic. I can't deny that either. It was my dream. My vision. I can't remember why though. I can't remember that far back yet. But I was redeemed. I want to fix things or rule them. I can't remember which. The line blurs every time I sleep. But I am a Jedi. I was always a Jedi. Even when I forgot, I was still a Jedi. Light and Dark, I was both. Surprisingly, they are the same thing, just different faces. Like a coin. A coin is always a coin, it doesn't matter which face is showing.

_  
So if you walk away  
Who is gonna stay  
Cause I'd like to think the world is a better place  
I'd like to leave the world as a better place  
I'd like to think the world_

I am a Jedi. But Jedi are forbidden to love. And I love you. I will always be in danger of falling. I have already fallen once. I forget why, I wonder if it had anything to do with love, but I doubt it. But then I wonder: what if the key to my Second fall, my worst fall… is you.


End file.
